"It's not that I don't really love you. It's just that I don't really know."
-15 Minutes

you ever feel like you don't need to meet old friends anymore? like really good old friends. you don't see them for a long period of time and when you meet up with them you find yourself feeling... what is the word... disengaged? you think you've done, seen and heard alot so the thought of having to clue them in on your "how have i been" just exasperates you. because. you. know. they. won't. understand. not 'won't understand' per se but just that they probably don't want to hear it. you think they would want to hear something else. so you clam up and disappear again. it occur to you, "gee, i don't really care about them, do i?" these people you supposedly love. you don't really care whether they know how you feel, let alone understand how you feel. you're beginning to crave solitude because it's comforting and you find that all of the things you used to deem relevant is now irrelevant. why is it that when you feel this way there is almost an automatic, in-built command to attribute this feeling to something? to someone, to some incident, to some space in time when you were truly happy. knowing exactly what you want becomes harder and so you just move along not knowing much about anything anymore.

you re-discover god.

n.b: because i can do 'pretentious'.